Today, we come to the essence of our discussion over the last few weeks. We have isolated the various factors that won’t guarantee relationship success. We have dealt with the kind of relationships that are worth doing without. Today, we begin to deal with the knots and bolts of how to break a relationship honorably, should you ever need to do so.The first issue to deal with, if you are going to break a relationship honorably and fairly is to revisit how you started it. In most cases,how a relationship starts will always determine how it ends. If the foundation of a thing is faulty it will long affect the sustainability of that thing. This is why in dealing with relationship problems in counseling, I often ask the couple to do what we call at Love Dynamics Global, a GENESIS ANALYSIS of the relationship.
This genesis analysis always comprises of questions like; where did the relationship start? Why did it start? When did it start? How did it start? With whom did it start and so on. You can mail us to find out how this analysis can be conducted for you and your partner by one of our experts in house. If a relationship starts the wrong way,it will most likely end the wrong way. This is why it is very important to pay attention to the foundation of our relationships.
The first thing to do when starting a relationship is to CLARIFY EXPECTATIONS, TERMS AND CONDITIONS before going into the relationship. The truth is that when we fall in love, we bring more than our feelings to the table. We also bring expectations, terms and conditions. The problem is that though we all have expectations, terms and conditions for our relationship in the beginning of it, we often are too emotionally flustered to voice them out in the heat of our passion for each other.
What is common is that these hidden expectations begin to show up long after we have committed to one another. This always becomes a shock to our partners, who usually begin to protest that they never bargained for such terms and conditions.
Imagine with me that life is a love market, with every lover being a potential buyer or seller of love. What you do in a market after establishing your desire for a product is that you discuss the cost price of that product. Similarly everyone you love or who claims to love you is indirectly offering their love for sale. Once you establish your preference for that love, the next logical thing to do is to find out the price. Every love comes at a price. The true price of love is the lover’s hidden expectations, terms and conditions.
Except the price is made clear upfront and you are certain of the affordability of that price, you can’t have a bargain. Most relationships fail because all of a sudden the price of making the love work becomes unaffordable. So the next time someone offers you their love be sure to ask them in return what the price of that love is.
Part of the price of love is to know under what conditions the relationship will be broken. This struck me one day as I was studying the first relationship ever recorded. Here was God showering his love on Adam but he also gave him the conditions and the exit terms of their relationships. He told him ” in the day you eat of the fruit of that tree you shall die. In other words God was saying that the day you do this, our relationship is over.
What the above point means is that love must have limits. Love must have conditions. Love, my friend, must have terms. The supreme being was saying in essence I love you, but terms and conditions apply. I love you but I won’t take this. I love you but don’t take me for granted. I wonder where this tough version of love is in our generation?
I believe that letting your partner know your expectations, terms and conditions is a fair way to love. What do you call a refree who penalizes the players of a game for rules and expectations that weren’t made known to them beforehand. I will call such a referee, cruel. The same way it is cruel not to let your partner know the terms and conditions of your love until you are penalizing them for violating it.
One of the reasons why this incomplete model of love is flourishing in our generation is because there are teachings that claim that true love is unconditional. I don’t quite agree. There is a dimension of love that is unconditional but there is also a dimension that is conditional. For instance when the Jewish Rabbi Jesus said “if a man love me, he will keep my words and my father will love him”.”IF” there is a purely conditional word.
Be that as it may, why not take your partner out for a date and elaborate with each other what the full price of your love is? Why not sit together and brainstorm with a pen and paper in your hand what your hidden expectations are for the relationship? If you are single why not decide today that before you go into any relationship you will insist that all expectation, terms and conditions of the relationship be spelled out in detail before committing to the relationship?
One thing is worthy of mention before I quit for the day. Unrealistic expectations can be as devastating to a relationship as unspoken expectations. Beware! Before breaking that relationship, do a due diligence in the area of subconscious expectations and if that doesn’t help, you will most likely need the tools I will be unraveling in the following days.
In rounding up my writing for today, I want to also affirm my love for you but don’t forget that TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY!!! Winks! See you tomorrow.
THE GREATEST IS LOVE!!!
Love Dynamics Global.
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