One of the most complex love equations there is, is WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. I call this one-sided love. The corollary is when you aren’t in love with the one who is in love with you. Millions are faced with this scenario day in day out. We want to attempt to deal with the issue today.Before going too far into our discourse, it is important to realize that real love must pass the test of reciprocity, for it to be valid. Love must be reciprocal. Nothing is as frustrating as loving someone who won’t love you back. No other emotional prison is more devastation. I want to believe that every human being has the right to love and be loved back. To deny them of this right is the mother of all injustices. This is why I think it is honorable to quit a relationship if you are absolutely sure you can’t love the one you have, the way they ought to be loved.

The second issue we must understand is the successive nature of love. In other words every relationship is made up of an initiator, and a responder. The initiator is the one who first wakes up to the reality of their love for another. While the responder is the one who takes their cue from the existent love that they perceive. In other words love at first sight is seldom mutual, except in the movies. Lust of course can be at first sight, but realistically one couple loves first and communicates what they feel to the other, either by words or actions. In reality either one of the sexes could be the one to love first. This doesn’t mean that the responder will not be able to love the initiator to the same degree, given the right fit, time and investments.

There is still a huge debate as to which one of the sexes should be the initiator and which should be the responder. The conservatives believe that it should be the man, while liberals believe that any one of the sexes can be. My statement on this controversial issue will be released sometime later. But I must make a statement based upon observation that love is no respecter of the sexes. Either of the man or the woman could in reality be the first to love. It behooves the other partner to respectfully consider the obvious.

The third point to be made is that love is not an insult, neither should the expression of our love intentions be greeted with insults from the receiving party. Nothing reveals the maturity of a person like how they treat someone who is in love with them, even if the love is not reciprocal. Authentic love is a privilege that few ever find outside their nuclear family and their divine. This is why the expression of love should be acknowledged and appreciated in the spirit of gratitude,humility,confidentiality,courtesy and dignity.

Having laid a firm foundation for one-sided love, we must highlight some practical ways to handle the dilemma.

  1. GIVE AN EXTENDED TIME OF FRIENDSHIP TO SEE IF THE LOVE BECOMES RECIPROCAL: I am always pretty uncomfortable with “URGENT” love. They saw you now,love you now and want you to say yes and love them back now. Real love takes time,and the substance of the time taken is friendship. If love is meant to be, the match of friendship is bound to kindle the flame of love. To push for love without friendship is lust in disguise. We ought not be afraid of time and friendship,if love is meant to be they will only cement it.

  2. FACE THE FACT OF YOUR FEELINGS: Once the due diligence of friendship has been fulfilled, you must face the fact of your feelings. Though love is a force, love cannot be forced. Oil and water doesn’t mix. The facts can be delayed but not denied. The facts can be suppressed but not subdued. The facts may be avoided but not voided. If we have done our best to reciprocate love to a professed lover to no avail. We must lovingly and respectfully let them know it and move on.
  3. REFUSE TO BE PRESSURED INTO ANY LOVE SCENARIO: It is important that we refuse to be pressured into any love scenario by sympathy, friends, parents, or even circumstances. If we allow things external pressure us into settling for things we don’t want internally, we might pay dearly for it. If our motive for loving is external, once those external factors are no more, our love will fall apart. We must ensure that we settle for what we want and spend the rest of our lives wanting what we have gotten.

If married already, we must make the commitment to loving what we have, because a married couple is past the phase of choosing. Your logical choice of course is to patiently love the one you married, while prayerfully hoping that the grace for reciprocal love will be granted you.

There are no easy answers to the subject of one-sided love. Most of our energies should be directed toward not finding ourselves in this condition,but if we do these ideas will go a long way to help us deal with it.


Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global
Enthronement Assembly Lagos
@lovedynamix on Twitter
BBpin; 270B1423

* Please note that all enquiries about speaking engagements and professional counseling should be sent by email to the above email address. Thanks.

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  1. True… One shouldn’t go into a relationship without conviction or with the hope of trying to make a point… Its about your internal state, not what people will think or say.

  2. Thanks for adding my post to your related articles on this subject! I am new to this blogging thing and not sure how that works yet…..As well I enjoyed reading this post. Great insight! I cannot wait to read more on your blog.

  3. Pingback: I just got married | less talking, more writing.

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